And you know the rest, right? My precious grandmother used to say that. Among many other things…
But what if everything we do is full of utmost love and devotion for the people we adore and live for? Yet, our delivery is so poor our intentions are grotesquely misunderstood and every act of love we try to complete is perceived as an act of aggression?
My children, my husband, my dearest friends. The people whom I would give anything to and expect nothing in return from. The people I try my hardest to uplift and encourage. The people I want to know that good or bad, I am here to do whatever I can to help them – and they don’t see that??? Even worse, they see the opposite. Personal fail.
Because of my childhood I live in a constant world of self-reflection, an effort of self-improvement and am horribly afflicted with over analyzing everything everyone says to me AND nitpicking it to pieces. In addition, I have become “the enabler”. My husband won’t cook himself a meal, instead waiting for me to call or come home or prepare his food in advance if I am out-of-town. My son will make destructive decisions and expect his father and I to be like the Russian mafia and clean up his mess with little to no consequence. And my daughter is emotionally paralyzed with fear of disappointing me hindering her decision-making abilities. I am glad this isn’t a performance evaluation for work because I would definitely fail. And you would think I would be better at this after all this time.
Truth is, in reality I think I was at one point. And in an effort to make everyone else’s life easier or “absorb” some of their stresses, I became the adult at some point and never had the opportunity to flip the tables. With the hubby, it was an illness, with my children it was the fact I didn’t have those opportunities afforded me. In turn, I take all the pressure and financial responsibility to give them the EXTREME of what I didn’t have and what happens? I feel pressure and they do as well – from me. Who is the winner? Not the kids because they both use the same words to describe me and they aren’t terms of endearment or gratefulness. They were terms like “critical, never satisfied, unrealistic expectations”, etc.
In actuality, the fact is – I AM proud of them. And I do love them, unconditionally. That is why I am trying to work on my delivery, their perception. My “passion about their potential”. My tone. I have lived my parental life constantly giving my children everything I never had, when the truth is, that lack of made me who I am. The ability to problem solve and think outside the box and work hard all made me stronger, and it also scarred me and made me feel unloved and unwanted. And that was horrible and devastating.
I am sure there is a balance – I am trying to find it. Another wise thing she would always say “bigger kids, bigger problems”. She never said one thing that wasn’t true. I would give anything to ask her a few more questions.
“I will see you again, this is not where it ends.”