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The Road to Hell….

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And you know the rest, right? My precious grandmother used to say that. Among many other things…

But what if everything we do is full of utmost love and devotion for the people we adore and live for? Yet, our delivery is so poor our intentions are grotesquely misunderstood and every act of love we try to complete is perceived as an act of aggression?

My children, my husband, my dearest friends. The people whom I would give anything to and expect nothing in return from. The people I try my hardest to uplift and encourage. The people I want to know that good or bad, I am here to do whatever I can to help them – and they don’t see that??? Even worse, they see the opposite. Personal fail.

Because of my childhood I live in a constant world of self-reflection, an effort of self-improvement and am horribly afflicted with over analyzing everything everyone says to me AND nitpicking it to pieces. In addition, I have become “the enabler”. My husband won’t cook himself a meal, instead waiting  for me to call or come home or prepare his food in advance if I am out-of-town. My son will make destructive decisions and expect his father and I to be like the Russian mafia and clean up his mess with little to no consequence. And my daughter is emotionally paralyzed with fear of disappointing me hindering her decision-making abilities. I am glad this isn’t a performance evaluation for work because I would definitely fail. And you would think I would be better at this after all this time.

Truth is, in reality I think I was at one point. And in an effort to make everyone else’s life easier or “absorb” some of their stresses, I became the adult at some point and never had the opportunity to flip the tables. With the hubby, it was an illness, with my children it was the fact I didn’t have those opportunities afforded me. In turn, I take all the pressure and financial responsibility to give them the EXTREME of what I didn’t have and what happens? I feel pressure and they do as well – from me. Who is the winner? Not the kids because they both use the same words to describe me and they aren’t terms of endearment or gratefulness. They were terms like “critical, never satisfied, unrealistic expectations”, etc.

In actuality, the fact is – I AM proud of them. And I do love them, unconditionally. That is why I am trying to work on my delivery, their perception. My “passion about their potential”. My tone. I have lived my parental life constantly giving my children everything I never had, when the truth is, that lack of made me who I am. The ability to problem solve and think outside the box and work hard all made me stronger, and it also scarred me and made me feel unloved and unwanted. And that was horrible and devastating.

I am sure there is a balance – I am trying to find it. Another wise thing she would always say “bigger kids, bigger problems”. She never said one thing that wasn’t true. I would give anything to ask her a few more questions.

“I will see you again, this is not where it ends.”

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Beautiful advice from a divorced man after 16 years of marriage

love story from the male perspective

A note from James Russell Lingerfelt: Mr. Gerald Rogers’ article stirred a wide variety of feelings among people across the globe. Helped and encouraged thousands, infuriated few. We read letters from women in Malaysia comforting women in England. Men in USA and Singapore spoke healing words to men in Europe and India . A man in Germany responded with some of the deepest insights I’ve read in years.  The unity and compassion among people which this article brought forth was a beautiful experience to witness. I’ll never forget it.

As of August 26, 2013 (eleven days after posted) the article had received over 2 million views. One common idea reverberated among many of the healthy responses: If we make the conscious decision to daily place our spouse’s desires and needs above our own, and that’s reciprocated, the marriage will succeed. Is utter and complete selflessness the goal?

My advice after…

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Everything I possess, given with tenderness…

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There are times when all we need is a glimmer of hope – any deliberate effort – even if it isn’t perfect. Sometimes it’s all it takes to soften your heart, for the anger to subside and for us to hope maybe there is a chance for a change. Granted, it doesn’t mean all is well or forgotten but maybe it is a start.

Hope and Change, where have we heard that line of bullshit before?! Aside from it being one of the most brilliantly executed political campaigns ever in history, it is also the stigma of complete and utter failure. Can people ever really change, or is it too much for us to ask them too? There are certain things we condition ourselves to accept and live with then when we have reached our limit we decide we aren’t taking it anymore. So, subsequently, we accepted or deal with these behaviors for a time until we can’t stand the people we or our partner becomes then we demand them to change to save the relationship. Why can’t things stay the same from the beginning? If life were to be a game, then why change the rules after the game starts? Because we evolve, and life happens.

None of us are perfect, we are all damaged and make it our mission in life to find someone we are compatible with, for any period of time. I saw a sign on Pinterest once “I’ll tell you about my demons while you tell me about yours. Maybe they’ll get along well enough to fall in love and leave us alone.” What an excellent synopsis for most of our love lives in general. Mine anyway. I have always been very emotionally jaded and found a man who accepted me from day one, with all of my issues, my problems, my past, my screwed up family and never judged any of that. Eleven years later, we are different people. Those people don’t know each other and the parts of them they do know, they don’t like very much. So, we reach a crossroad. We can HOPE things get better and try to CHANGE each other until our demons are getting along again or we can give up and start over. And so it seems….

Time it may take us but God only knows
How I’ve paid for those things in the past

Give me one reason to stay here…

At some point people stop being angry and they start letting go, it happens when you have been hurt to the point of exhaustion and talk with no one listening. In my opinion, there is no turning back at that point. Once someone is “done”, they are done. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love the other one, it just means in order for them to be sane, they have to make a choice. I have to either choose to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want a partner, or a wife – but a caretaker OR choose myself. I don’t need to be validated or hear anyone else’s opinions or thoughts yet ironically I need to put some of mine in writing. Perhaps to capture this moment in time, to remember I did try. I didn’t give up easy.

 

Staring at the bottom of your glass….

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Why does it seem people only put effort to save failing relationships when one person is exhausted from trying and ready to quit and walk away? In any relationship, whether friendship or a marriage why are people not reciprocal to the level of their expectations? Why do we become sedentary and always expect more from the other person than we do ourselves? This baffles me. If you care about someone or love them, why don’t you want to meet their needs – emotional, physical, sexual? And in turn – the other person does the same. Maybe not at the same level or degree, but the effort is there. Did everyone not learn this in kindergarten? Know why? We think people will always be there, regardless of the fucked up way we treat them. Then when they reach maximum capacity and have taken all the leftovers and shit they are willing to and finally walk away in an effort to maintain their sanity the other person is sitting there shaking their head wondering what they did wrong. Assclowns.

What did you do wrong??? Really? You’re a shitty husband, a shitty wife or a shitty friend. How about that? If you care about someone, really care – not if you say or text or email them that you care, but if you REALLY care about them – they don’t have to be prescriptive in what they need – because you pay attention and you listen and you have a genuine desire to know their wants and their needs because you GET IT, or try anyway. You don’t need to ask 100 times “what do you want me to do” or say “I can’t seem to make you happy”, no one would have to say anything – you just do. When you love someone and you see them struggle or hurt, you should try to help or try to compensate for what they lack. It’s called being a partner, it doesn’t have anything to do with a sexual connotation or a “label”, an orientation or a marriage license. It is about your actions versus your words. If your capacity is limited because your life is too full of other stuff – perhaps you are loving too many people. I don’t. Never have. There are maybe 6 people in my life that can call me regardless of what I am doing and I will stop, drop and roll – and they know it. I mean it. Two of them have my name of their birth certificates. Two of them have had my name on marriage licenses. And two of them change roles daily. That is it. Period. And that list is looking like it will be changing soon.

One of my favorite phrases, “your actions speak so loud, I can’t hear what you are saying”. Words come to most people so easy, bullshit mostly – and it’s fairly simple to trick people into believing anything. This is why we tell our kids “don’t walk up to strangers telling you they have candy or asking to help you look for puppies”, and such. We are all eager to believe what people say. We want to believe bullshit – even when we know it’s not true, because we all have some level of insecurity so we surround ourselves with people who somehow overshadow those. That really doesn’t work for long though and it creates its own level of hangover.

The fact is, I have reached a point in my life where I don’t trust very many people. My circle of trust is a triangle, and it is getting smaller daily. I am a fairly good communicator to the point of meaning what I say and not saying a bunch of shit I don’t mean, so if you hear the words come from my mouth, it is true. I have argued with enough people to learn to bite my tongue and the people close to me, I try to keep there so I know when to shut up – usually. If I don’t – I apologize. This is my top-secret proven system. It isn’t fool-proof but it works.

So, when I am mad, I don’t get over it until the issue is resolved – I don’t usually scream and holler but I become quiet. Not because I want to, but because I live with one of the people mentioned in the first sentence and he doesn’t resolve conflict or make an effort to, so I quit wasting breath, causing me to reach the critical mass discussed previously. Life becomes challenging when you’re in a relationship with someone you can’t find a mutual or common ground with. And they make no notable effort to get there, with the exception of saying they are – over and over.

Ending a relationship is painful and difficult, and if I were Cher I would do a lot of things differently – but that is not even an option. I know every relationship takes you to the next place you are meant to be and all of the minutia will work itself out in the end. As the half who has tried, talked, given and fought for too long now the hardest part of all of this is knowing….

And you let her go.

Sail on down the line…

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Most days I am a fighter. Just not today. Today, I want to quit. I am exhausted, defeated and ready to throw in the towel. It can not possibly be my destiny to spend the rest of my life in a relationship with someone who is content living “head in the sand” and ignoring me and everything about me and what I need. Someone who is distant, self consumed, oblivious to their surroundings and a totally different person than the person I fell in love with all those years ago.

In hindsight, I believe my current marriage is a penance for my previous marriage. As bad as it sounds, it was the marriage for which I gave up on too soon. The one I regretted because I was young and dumb and selfish. Granted my ex-husband had an affair shortly after our nuptials, but I committed to forgive him and work it out. I just couldn’t though. I couldn’t forgive him or forget much less get over it. I said I would and maybe I half way tried resulting in ten years of this most destructive game of cat and mouse wherein he tried to make it right and I tried to make him pay. That doesn’t worked, by the way – either go on or get out. I should have left, I shouldn’t have been a coward and a liar. I wouldn’t have had those emense feeling of regret and self-loathing and failure. I gave up, on my family – on the “perfect life”. I didn’t fight hard enough for my babies. For all of those same things I had fought so hard to once have in the beginning.

So, when I remarried it was critical for me to be a good wife. For me to try and give our life and our marriage everything I had. 100% all the time in both the emotional and physical aspects. I would overcome my past insecurities and not punish him for previous relationships and wrongs of others and I would stiffle my instinct to be possessive or jealous. I would be tenacious, and love him. I would love our marriage and respect our union. I would take care of him and protect our home and he would do the same. I made a commitment – a vow – no one thought I would be able to keep. But I did. I did my best to fix me and I re-gained the ability to open up, to connect and to re-associated sex and love and be committed and faithful and live my vows I made eleven years ago. And now, where did that get me? Here, exhausted. Beat down. Tired. Sad. But most of all, lonely.

Women need to feel attractive, they need a physical connection fueled with mutual desire for their partner to flourish. To which degree, varies much by person but the message is constant. Humans are very primal beings. They need to be touched, they need to feel wanted and to feel beautiful and connected to their partner to be able to establish a grounding point or baseline in their lives. If not, it makes other human emotions hard to calibrate and judge. If you live with a person telling you constantly you are beautiful and smart, generally speaking, when others say it you will believe it. However, if you live with someone constantly telling you, or implying by their actions or signals you are unattractive or substandard, it doesn’t matter what anyone outside says because your frame of reference has become so skewed. Parents have done the same things to their children, being distant – withholding affection or attention, talking down to them, negatively impactigng their self esteem, forcing them to shut down – depriving the basic necessities we as humans crave – when we do it to children, it is abuse. When it’s our spouse, what is it called? Payback?!

I have tried, over and over and done too much to list. I have asked to go to therapy – he went didn’t participate and made fun of me to his friends, so I go alone. I listen, he doesn’t talk to me. But, ironically, he talks to my friends? I talk in every tone imaginable, and he doesn’t listen. I try, to mend the wrongs in his relationships – yet feel this relatinship is penance for all the bad I have ever done in any of mine.

Realistically, I chose to marry someone older, someone I love still. Someone who unfortunately really just isn’t that into me if the truth be told. If I had any sense and weren’t so steadfast on not quitting, I would file for divorce. I have taken care of, taken up for and put up with more from this man than any woman would and if the truth be told I deserve the reciprocity. Or at least someone willing to work towards it. It just seems with every passing day I reach more and more of my limit and still there is not an ounce of effort on his part, no glimmer of hope, no shine of light. Yet, in my heart I am devastated. I am distraught and torn, between this person I love that I thought he was or maybe just the dellusion of who I wanted him to be. 

The holidays can’t be over soon enough here.  

 

Borrowed Trouble

Excellent message…

Sheena Gates

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I read an article recently that used the term “borrowing trouble.” It took me awhile to process what it actually meant. The article was about weight loss, but by the time I got to the end I was stuck on the phrase “borrowing trouble” and forgot why I even read the article, to begin with.  I didn’t learn anything to help me lose weight and instead gained something much better.

For me, borrowing trouble means the process of involving yourself or giving energy to a situation that could easily have absolutely nothing to do with you. While I’m sure that I could make a much longer list of borrowed trouble situations, the following three are essential in steering clear of other peoples mess;

Mind your own business: Don’t make decisions about things that you don’t have to live with.

It’s ok to be a shoulder to cry on or to…

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Just text me…OR hit me in the face with a stick!

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I believe a problem with many relationships today is communication, or lack thereof. Whether it’s marriage, friends, kids, whatever – we all have issues with communication. And now that we are accessible 24/7 because of cell phones, smart phones, IPads, apps and everything else, you would think that our communication skills would improve, but what happens? We opt to text.

SO often I wonder what someone is thinking when they sent me a particular text. “What did they mean? Are they serious or joking? Is he mad or busy? ” Tone and inflection can not be determined in a text which makes it the most difficult and impersonal form of communication. It is also the most often used. Looking at the most important relationships in my life, including my husband and my grown children, we communicate via text more than actually speak. That is horribly embarrasing. Half the time I don’t know what they mean and they think I am pissed off when I am really just busy OR driving and trying not to kill someone or get killed. But want to make sure I answer them in instant they text me, which is the expectation.

I believe the initial intent of text was to pass a limited amount of information to another for convienence purposes. Not to remove spoken word and conversations from relationships. For example “running late” or “on way” or “in meeting, call soon”. However, we have replaced entire conversations with text and have screens and screens of words that are misunderstood or scrutinized because one party can not understand the intent and emotion of the other. THEN, enters the emotiocons and LOL. That’s nice. More passive aggressiveness. Meaning to me, tell me something really shitty and then put a 🙂 after it and try to convince me you’re joking. Whatever asshole.

I took an “email etiquette” class once that said if one party has to email more than twice, a phone call is needed to clear the misunderstanding. Yet, we will argue and fight and complain via text for days and days before picking up the phone and actually speaking.

What are we doing to our offspring? Rendering them idiots. That’s what. They can not sit at tables and conversate, they can however text people in the same house – same room even. I can be sitting in my recliner and my daughter can be in her room and she will TEXT me “can you come here please”. And it takes me 15 seconds of rage before I don’t respond. But I am just as bad with people in my inner circle. My husband and I used to talk on the phone all the time. Now, if he hears my voice his first comment is “what’s wrong”? That is terrible.

My friends, the same way. I text several on a daily basis, see them face to face on a weekly basis, but I don’t pick up the phone and call anyone. When my phone rings I have anxiety. Me. The one that had a babysitting job on the weekends to have my own private phone line in my bedroom growing up so I could talk on it all night long without my mom knowing. HOURS upon HOURS, night afer night. So, what has happened? What has changed? Because today’s kids don’t stay on the phone talking. They stay texting and IM’ing but they don’t speak to each other the way we did. What caused this collasol shift? I would love to understand it better. Maybe I can text someone and ask.

Although that doesn’t even touch on the “sexting” topic…Like Ludacris says…

“In a private clinic and I need you to be sensitive about my condition”

NOLA Lady

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Spent a great weekend in my favorite city with my husband. We needed a break and Lord knows I never get tired of being there but it’s different when I am there everyday for business then get to relax for fun. Over indulged on all the things I ENJOY and even found an awesome new station on Pandora – Frenchmen Street Radio – all the local bands. Very cool!

Out of town trips are always easy, it seems – it’s the regular day in, day out grind that wears me down. I don’t seem as frustrated, he doesn’t seem as aggravating and things are a lot easier when we are “away”. I know, I am fussy and pissy. among many other things. I love, love, love when my biggest concern is which brand of tequila I am going to order with my cheeseburger at lunch.

Now, he’s sucking down Herradura as fast as I am, so maybe I am not nearly as pleasant as in my head. This blog thing is very new to me, not sure how it all works just yet. Please, be gentle with me….

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